Over a year ago I found this website and asked for advice. I had reconnected with a man I dated in high school. At the time I posted we had been dating for 2 years. He had commitment issues. I received some great advice here, I read books and I suggested my boyfriend come to this website. He did end up giving me a commitment and we tried out the relationship until I caught him lying to me (several times). I told him that unless he started therapy, I had to walk away. He wouldn't. For the next 4 months he has asked me to marry him almost every day via email, texts and calls. I told him no.
So reading this thread is where I am today. This question about love being enough. I have talked to him about getting help. That we couldn't navigate our relationship without it. And when he wouldn't I left. He's been so upset, told me he couldn't eat or sleep and he stopped telling me he loved me, instead he'd say he "needed" me. I can't explain, it was like he wasn't talking to me as me, it was more like I was a warm body to cling to. I told him I couldn't, I said that me getting out of the relationship had nothing to do with not loving him, I will always love him. I told him that I couldn't allow him to continue to hurt me and I couldn't continue to hurt him. He'd be unfaithful and lie, I'd be devastated and the things we'd say to each other was too heartbreaking to bare.
He backed off for a month or so and I haven't heard from him until last week. He told me that he was sorry for hurting me. He said that he is back in therapy and that he is starting to see where he has done a lot of pretending that he didn't realize he was doing and that he was glad I called him out on it. He said that he feels I was an addiction and he knows now he never loved me. He wanted me to know he really, really did try to love me but he never loved anyone (including his ex wife/mother of his children)but his kids. He told me he hoped one day I can forgive him. He said that he knew the right man was out there waiting for me, the one who I was meant to be with. I said, "I thought it was you"... he told me he had to go.
Laying down that boundary was so hard for me because I wanted to believe he could love me. I stuck to my guns and he went off and started therapy and came clean with how he really feels. What can I say to that? Ahhh.... thanks? Validation is really over rated. I'd rather have believed that he loved me in the way he knew how instead of now knowing I was nothing more than a pornography tool he used to get off. We do live in different states. We see each other every other weekend. I was willing to move to where he lives if he started working on himself, I would go to therapy too. But how could he have been sexually addicted to me/our relationship when I have known him off and on for so many years?
And to make it worse, his therapist believes our relationship is unhealthy (of course) so he wouldn't be contacting me again. But he is sorry and wants me to be happy. I am the one who encouraged him to get help. I mean, what are you gonna do? I'm an unhealthy relationship.
No. Love is not enough when someone you love was hurt by someone who supposedly "loved" him. I don't believe some victims of csa know how to love until they have years of therapy. I think all my love for him did was make him mistrust me more. I'm not saying that is the rule for every abused man in a relationship but boy, I never knew this would be dropped in my lap. I never once in our relationship felt I was an addiction.
Peace to all,