Yesterday was the dawn of my worst nightmare! I disovered that my 16 yr. old son had been living with CSA for the past 10 yrs!!
I don't know what to do...my emotions are all over the place.
But I hope I get some good advice from this forum.
Here's how the event unfolded...
My son is a great kid and the love of my life! Lately, we've been dealing with typical teenage issues...nothing too serious. It was during a recent blow-up about being respectful that his CSA surfaced.
He had stalked off to his room in frustration as I was finishing dinner. Later, I went to his room for further discussion, and he was sitting on his bed crying....which was confusing, because our current argument didn't warrant such emotion. When I saw the tears, I knew something other was wrong...but I would have never guessed in a million years what he was about to tell me!
I immediately went in for the big hug...I felt so sorry for his level of frustration! When I started asking him what was wrong, between sobs he said he couldn't tell me....and immediately, my mind started reeling...this was gonna be a biggie...tho I never imagined CSA! I started quizzing...school, GF, accident...and still sobbing, he would shake his head 'no'. We've ALWAYS had an extremely open relationship....and he KNOWS that he can trust me to tell me anything. He finally caught his breath....and told me that he had been sexually abused! My head started spinning...I couldn't believe what I was hearing...my greatest fear was coming true!
How could this be? I have always feared abduction & sexual abuse and I've ALWAYS been wayyy over-protective in regards...how could this be true?
And it just gets worse. He wouldn't acutally SAY how/what happened, but would respond to my questions by shaking his head yes or no. When I was finally able to connect the dots, this is what I found out:
On his 6TH birthday, we had a sleepover with his cousins. When everyone was asleep, his oldest cousin (13) convinced him to perform oral sex on him, telling him that was what ALL families did. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! My baby was only 6 when this happened!!! He had been living with this secret for 10 yrs!!
So not only was he abused, but it happened in his own home (which we still live in) by somebody that he loves while his mom & dad were upstairs asleep!! I am so overcome with guilt...it's mentally crippling...I can't think of anything else without thinking of the CSA first. And my son has been living at the scene of the crime for 10 YEARS without a word! He says he didn't know that it was wrong when he was 6...so it wasn't something that haunted him daily. When he was about 9, he realized that what happened was wrong, but didn't know what to do about it. He says it isn't something that he's dwelled on over the years, but something that would just surface occaisionally. Regardless, he's had to face his abuser time after time...wondering if the abuse might continue...and wondering 'WHY'?
He says that he's FORGIVEN his cousin....that his cousin was just a kid when it happened and that it only happened the one time. I don't know how he can feel this way....but it seems like the road to recovery. And when he disclosed the abuse to me, you could see the weight of the world lift from his shoulders! If he's come this far in recovery...I don't want to impede him with my emotions (this is all brand new to me!).
But I WILL NEVER FORGIVE this person what he's done to MY baby! I wanna cry & yell & kick & scream...but I don't know where to go with all my emotions. I certainly don't want to push them onto my son...who seems to feel so much better for confiding in me.
But I'm full of hate & anger and feel the need for confrontation!
I'm hoping that someone in a similar situation can help me with some good advice...
My Heart is broken!