My DH of 11 years is also a survivor. I agree that you should begin therapy, with or without him. Be aware that a therapist through EAP may not be equipped to deal with this situation. We went to our first marriage counsellor 6 years ago, spent a year with them and then moved. We began our second marriage counsellor a year and half ago and quit after a year. We were really no further ahead after both (of whom were both clinical psychologists). The first accepted that my H was "over it" and chose to take the angle that I had to accept the intimacy issues because different people have different sex drives. At the time, my H had not yet disclosed the extent of his abuse to either of us. The second psychologist addressed right up front that he had no training or experience with CSA (childhood sexual abuse) issues, but that he felt he could still help us with the issues in our marriage like the two were not connected. This is simply not the case. It was only after I learned through this forum that I was acting in a very co-dependant way that I learned how to set boundaries. These boundaries included consequences if he did not take steps to address his disconnectedness, lack of honesty and trust and the many other ways his programming as a child victim impacted our marriage. He chose to start real therapy with a counsellor that has 20 years experience dealing with CSA and has run men's group therapy for the same through hospitals in our area. He is not covered by our benefits because he is not a clinical psychologist (I think his designation is social work), but every single penny has been worth it. I would, quite frankly, sell my home and become a renter if it was necessary to have the money for my H to keep seeing him. It has made a world of difference and is literally saving our marriage. He is far from "healed" and he still battles with addiction, compulsions, intimacy and honesty, but he is getting much better. He is catching himself and recognizing the signs. You are not alone and neither must he be. I urge you to learn about setting your boundaries, but don't give up hope yet. It probably feels like this is the end, but it can be a new beginning. A rocky road for sure, but a rewarding one if both of you are committed to each other. He risked his entire world telling you about his abuse. Make him feel safe and thank him for his trust. Breath deep and take it one day, hour and even minute at a time. I am so glad you found this forum and had the courage to reach out!
This link helped me immensely... I hope it helps you too. http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm