I also have given this question some thought. When we attempt to fill the hole with what we perceive will fill it, we will always fail. It is similar to placing a topical dressing on a deep wound that needs stitches. The movement of the muscles underneath will eventually open the wound back open and then we need to dress it again. In the same way the actions that we take to medicate the hole will always have to be changed and repeated. We might find some actions more effective than others for a while, but the process is the same. The wound will ultimately open. We have all seen people medicate with alcohol, drugs, porn, religion, and just about everything else under the sun.
You are probably surprised that I said religion but let me state my case. Religion is man trying to fill the hole on his terms. Every religion is man centered (humanism). I won't go into the finer details of each one but they all have some perception of God that is actually correct. The major problem with each of these is that it is man trying to perfect himself to fill the hole inside.
Eighty percent of people in the United States say that they are "born again Christians". We have a definite problem if this is true. You have encountered many of these Sunday Christians in your search for healing. These are the Pharisees and Sadducee that have infiltrated Christianity today. They purport that you have to do this and that to be saved. You have to give this much, you have to show up each Sunday morning and evening, you have to smile (even though you are crying inside). I think you are getting the picture. This also is man centered. The reason I am saying this, is because they do not exhibit the Brotherly love that Christ gave the Church. They are not honest with each other and with themselves. If they are not honest, then there is no communion. If there is no communion, then there is no body. They are white washed tombs with bones inside. They are dry wells for thirsty travelers. This is not Christianity.
Christianity is God centered. It is God filling the hole inside with Christ Jesus. It is the Trinity working together in perfect harmony to bring to life the dead walking corpse. We, the ones who are alive in Christ, do the good works that are set before us out of thankfulness to our Father in Heaven.
These works are secondary characteristics to the primary hole filling. These works are tithing, brotherly love, communion and so on.
You knowing that you have a hole shows that it has already been filled. Without the quickening to life by the Holy Spirit you would not perceive the hole. In fact you would just be medicating the pain like you used to.
The self hate part of yourself is the residual learned behavior that your mind created to cope with the trauma. We get so used to listening to the lies we tell ourselves that we truly believe that it is the truth. You already know it is a lie, otherwise you would not have to repeat it to yourself. The truth stands alone and does not need to be justified or repeated.
Soli Deo Gloria,