This is just a little glimpse as to what I'm going through.
I'm not very talkative about this as I've held this in for over 20 years. crazy

I copied and pasted my conversation with the VA from last Thursday, at 4 o'clock in the morning. It's the first time I've ever talked to someone about this and I'm very confused, nervous and have high anxiety about many feelings associated with this situation.

I posted this simply because I hate repeating myself, cause when I actually talk about it, I end up reliving everything, and that gets me very emotional. sick

So, please read with care, this conversation has been posted without any editing, I wanted this to show my true and unadulterated emotional status.

When this conversation was over with this VA counselor, I did in fact talk to a VA Mental Health counselor on the telephone that morning after my family left the house so no one could listen to my conversation. We talked for about three hours. It was painful and I am trying very hard to deal with it all. That's why I joined this site when I found out about it.

Hello, your Vets representative is Jackie_M1

Welcome to VeteransChat, Jackie_M1 will be right with you.

Jackie_M1

Welcome to VeteransChat how can I help you today?

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WayTooConfused

I don't know really where to begin. I'm having random thoughts of suicide. I'm really confused about things.

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Jackie_M1

I'm glad you logged in for help today. Tell me more about what has been going on for you.

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WayTooConfused

22 years ago I was coerced in taking a plea deal in a court martial. I was sodomized twice before I took a plea deal because, these guys told me that If I didn't take a plea deal that they would harm my family.

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Jackie_M1

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

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WayTooConfused

Not half as sorry as I've felt for 22 years!!!!!!!!!!

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Jackie_M1

That's a long time to be struggling with those extremely painful memories. How have you been coping?

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WayTooConfused

By keeping my mouth shut, and doing what they told me to do!!!!!!

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Jackie_M1

It must be difficult to keep this all inside.

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WayTooConfused

YOU HAVE NO IDEA...

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Jackie_M1

Have you been able to share your experience with anyone during these past 22 years?

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WayTooConfused

Only recently, I told my brother and his wife, but I made them promise never to tell my mom and dad.

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WayTooConfused

Or to tell anyone else.

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Jackie_M1

I can understand that it must be hard to talk about what happened.

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WayTooConfused

NO SH*%!!!!!!!!!

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Jackie_M1

I'm wondering, are you currently connected to any counseling services?

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WayTooConfused

No.

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WayTooConfused

I don't trust people in authority anymore, especially after what they did to me and tried to make me do. But in the end they got what they wanted and they got their pound of flesh.

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WayTooConfused

What they did to me isn't supposed to happen to women, let alone to a man.

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WayTooConfused

I lost my family and my military career over this situation. But I've had to keep my mouth shut for all this time because I still believe in their threats.

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Jackie_M1

You've experienced great loss. I'd like to go back to earlier when you said you have random thoughts of suicide. Tell me more about that.

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WayTooConfused

I think about my family a whole lot...and lately everything reminds me of what I've had to miss out on. Hell I just found out that Im a GrandPa and I don't know any of my kids or my grandchildren.

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WayTooConfused

Their lies and this whole situation is just eating at me. I've lost over 35 lbs in the last 2 months, because I've am experiencing stress levels that I feel are very great.

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Jackie_M1

Yes, this is clearly weighing heavily on you and causing you significant stress.

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WayTooConfused

My brother wants me to pursue something against these guys, but I'm so certain that if I brought this up to the authorities in any way, that I know that they would search for my family and hurt them. That's why I've kept my mouth shut all this time.

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WayTooConfused

My brother says that I should put that thought out of my mind, but he doesn't understand, what I know what these guys are capable of... I'm so scared to death, that I really do feel that my death is the only way to secure my families absolute safety.

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Jackie_M1

So you think about suicide as a way to escape living in constant fear and to protect your family.

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WayTooConfused

It so god damn funny, I'm torn between my christianity, that suicide is a sin, but at the same time wanting to desperatly to 100% ensure and find a way, that no harm will ever come to my family...

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Jackie_M1

You're feeling conflicted. Have things gotten to the point where you have a plan to kill yourself?

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WayTooConfused

Oh, I've thought of many ways, but my christian values always get in the way.

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Jackie_M1

Has there ever been a time when you have acted on those thoughts, or has your faith always prevented you from doing so?

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WayTooConfused

I've had plenty of opportunities, but it does always seem that my faith gets in the way. It just doesn't eleviate the pain and anguish that has been building up for over two decades. That's why I've started looking for help, because I'm getting to GD tired of feeling this way. You just have absolutley no Idea at what level my anxiety level is at...

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WayTooConfused

You know men aren't supposed to get raped, And this type of action was to cover up the misdeeds of those that were in my chain-of-command. That's why I don't trust any one in authority.

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Jackie_M1

I don't blame you for finding it difficult to trust. I'd like to help get you connected to some support though.

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WayTooConfused

Everytime I try to rationalize my situation, I honestly feel that If I tell anyone about this whole situation that they'll just say that I'm crazy and made this all up. Hell I couldn't prevent what they did to me and one person died over this, and people in my chain-of-command USED me to ensure that they got what they wanted.

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WayTooConfused

You know the truth is sopposed to set you free, not keep you confined forever.

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Jackie_M1

Yes, and this situation has left you feeling trapped. What do you think would be helpful for you as far as coping with the stress and anxiety you're experiencing?

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WayTooConfused

I don't know, that's why I started looking for something. I'm just getting to the point that I'm too weary of holding this in.

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WayTooConfused

Someones going to have to 100% prove to me that I can trust them. And after all these years I'm not sure what I trust in anymore.

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Jackie_M1

I understand it's going to take time for you to really open up to someone and allow yourself to trust them. How has it been for you talking to me about it today?

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WayTooConfused

I'm not sure, because you can't see me face to face and see my facial expressions, my body language. And the same holds true for me, I can't see your face and body to see how you reacted to me...

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WayTooConfused

I can only assume that this site is confidential and that there is no way for you to find me unless I reveal my location. My primary concern has always been to make sure my family is never harmed.

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Jackie_M1

I realize that you are hesitant about progressing too quickly. If you feel comfortable with it, I can have a counselor from the veterans crisis line call you if you think you'd like to try talking with someone on the phone.

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WayTooConfused

A phone call???? That means that I would be giving up my anonimity and that someone could launch and investigation, thus putting my family in harms way. How can I get around that????!!!!!!!!!!!!

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WayTooConfused

If any harm ever came to my family that would be a sure way for me to end my life.

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Jackie_M1

It's OK if you're not comfortable with it, I just wanted to give you the option of taking the next step in getting some support to help you cope with this.

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WayTooConfused

If there was some way of guaranteeing that there would be 100% annonimity...Then I would consider talking to someone.

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Jackie_M1

Well all I would need from you would be your phone number so a counselor could call you. Whatever else beyond that you choose to share with them would be completely up to you.

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WayTooConfused

What type of counselor are you talking about?

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Jackie_M1

A counselor, just like me, who works for the veterans crisis line.

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WayTooConfused

Ok, but are they qualified in dealing with male rape? And the understanding why this was done to me, to cover up another crime.

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WayTooConfused

Is there another type of Confidential Live Chat just like this one, where I could continue this conversation?

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Jackie_M1

Everyone who works here is a trained counselor who works exclusively with veterans.

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WayTooConfused

I understand the veterens part, but are you all qualified in dealing with male rape?

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Jackie_M1

Yes, everyone here has been educated on working with veterans who have experienced military sexual trauma.

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WayTooConfused

You say military sexual trauma. Let me tell you what they did in a nut shell. I was given two blanket parties. Both times in the middle of the night, these bastards came into my barracks room threw a blankt over me held me down, gagged me and shoved a broomstick up my ass. The second time they did it is when they threatened to kill my family. still to this day I still feel like I have splinters up my ass. And the can still smell the scent of greasemonkeys, I know these guys were from my motorpool, but I'll never be able to identity them, since they held me down and covered my face.

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Jackie_M1

That's awful. And it's awful that you've had to keep this bottled up inside all this time.

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WayTooConfused

Let me ask you this which is more important. Keeping my family safe, or exposing what they really did in their negligence to not fix a vehicle when they were supposed to thus resulting in an accident that killed one of my soldiers, and letting his family believe that his death would have been prevented had they not neglected to service that vehicle?

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WayTooConfused

See if I talk and an investigation goes forward, then I run the risk of exposing my family to danger. So what guarantee do I have that my phone number will not be traced?

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Jackie_M1

You can talk with a counselor just to have an outlet for your feelings without it having to lead to an investigation.

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WayTooConfused

Can you guarantee that?

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WayTooConfused

Can you guarantee that?!

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Jackie_M1

We are the veterans crisis line, here to assist veterans who are struggling. Period. We would never initiate an investigation. Our only goal is to give you someone to talk to and to help you stay safe.

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WayTooConfused

If I give you my phone number, with whom would I be speaking to? I need a name.

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WayTooConfused

I need to know that they have speciality in dealing with male rape.

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Jackie_M1

Once you agree to take a phone call, I will send a request and then I will receive a name of which counselor is available at this time to call you.

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WayTooConfused

I also need to know that they would get a copy of this conversation, because I hate repeating myself. It's going to be difficult enough as it is to talk about guys on guys. I'm totally heterosexual, and talking about this makes me sick.

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Jackie_M1

We don't share chat transcripts with counselors on the crisis line, in order to keep our chat service confidential. However, when I send a request for a counselor to call you, I can send them a synopsis that gives them an idea of what we have discussed during our chat.

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WayTooConfused

Can I call them, instead of them calling me? I don't want my family knowing that I'm talking to anyone, cause they don't know about this and I don't want them to know. I need to deal with this on my own for now.

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Jackie_M1

That would be fine if you are more comfortable with that. Their number is 1-800-273-8255, press 1 for veterans. There are counselors available 24/7 to take your call.

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WayTooConfused

My call won't be trace, right?

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Jackie_M1

No, you are in control of what, if any, information you choose to share with the counselor.

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WayTooConfused

Can I use my screenname from this session instead of using my real name?

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Jackie_M1

Again, you can decide what information you are comfortable sharing with the counselor.

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WayTooConfused

What I'm asking is, if you send a synopsis of this conversation to give a heads up as to my situation, how will whoever know my details?

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WayTooConfused

Knowing that they are expecting my phone call.

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Jackie_M1

OK, I understand what you're saying now. I would only send a synopsis as part of the request to have a counselor call you. I wouldn't be sending that over if you decide to call them instead.

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WayTooConfused

If I request that you send a synopsis now, knowing that I'm going to call, can you send that information for me? I need to establish some trust here. I've been holding this in for 22 years...

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WayTooConfused

I've got a whole lot to discuss with someone, and I mean a whole lot.

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WayTooConfused

I can call in the morning when I'm alone, there'll be no family hear to listen to my conversation.

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Jackie_M1

The choice is yours, whichever makes you more comfortable. I can send a synopsis of what we have talked about, and have a counselor call you now, or you can wait and call in the morning when you're alone, but I won't be able to send your information.

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