@magellan, well what you describe doing in al anon meetings is sort of what I'm trying here and why I'm asking on ms, sinse I'm certain that others have insites and experiences that would be valuable for me to considder and think about, which is exactly why I believe discussion and enquiry so important, heck I have! studdied philosophy for the last 10 years.
@phenix, intimacy is complicated, and probably a separate thing to divinity. On one level the religious experiences I've had were about as intimate as it's possible to be, on another they were totally devorced from physical human experience and therefore had nothing at all s/xual about them sinse the body was not involved.
Though I suffer genophobia, I do not suffer fear of intimacy, sinse to me the two things are separate entities, indeed part of the experience I've wanted with a relationship would be a physical experience of intimacy.
Therefore, though it does constitute a vulnerability I don't feel that having a communicative experience of the devine if you like to put it that way would be a bad thing, however I'm not finding that experience either however open I make myself and whatever old meditations I try which is why I feel abandoned by the God I used to know.