Back when I was 7 and lost the sight of my right eye, I what I now believe was a genuine experience of the presense presence of God. I can't describe this experience exactly without using various mystical and rather nonsensical language, but it was very direct and very real and very much there to me.

this meant I've always been a theist, albeit that I wasn't exclusively a christian and usually counted myself a universalist sinse I was able to find the knolidge of god in various religions, not just in Christianity.

during my abuse as a teenager, I had no problem maintaining a belief in God. i was fairly certain that I knew where God was, and that it was the people around me who were responsable for what was going on.

Later, I had more experiences of God. not many (perhaps five or six in all), and never dramatically, but enough for me to maintain the belief that g God was there, that God cared about me, and that I knew where God was.

However, as time passed, as the relationship thing got more and more painfull and the signs of abuse started to come back, i found myself increasingly less aware of God. after my crash five years ago that made me sign up to ms and realize that my abuse needed dealing with, I started try to look for god. I did all the old meditations, I read plotinas, I watched the dawn. I even when to other countries and looked at the alps or the pyramids.

But nothing! no sense of God at all!

I therefore came to a conclusion that though God probably existed, God actually caring! about humans was another matter. God was like a river, a purely natural force. If you happened to be walking besid the river, well all well and good for you. if however you were dragged out into the desert, the river wasn't going to come after you, the river just carried on regardless. That was just how I felt, that I was off in the desert away from what I'd known before (and yes, i've read the footsteps poem, but it really didn't help).

So, now things are better. However, how do I forgive god? If I look for God, if I have an experience of the presence of God, ---- well t doesn't that prove exactly what I said, that god is a fair weather friend, a natural force only that doesn't care? That you! need to be in a good state to contact god, and suffering pulls you away from god, ---- in which case so much for "god is love"

The other day I was at a friends' wedding, and the service basically boiled down to "god likes people to get married and be together"

Well thanks God! you've done a great job with me.

I know that yes, the christian service has evolved from mariage traditions going back a thousand years, and I know that there are probably evolutionary explanations (indeed there are evolutionary explanations for everything), however if! my friends genuinely believed that God was involved in them wishing to get married (as they did), then why is my own situation with relationships such a desaster I've had to give up all desire for a relationship? where is God! in that decision?

In fact, where is God! at ?

I suppose I could look, now that i'm no longer crippled with depression now that my life actually is! going where I want it to, and maybe I might find something, but what does that prove? that God is only around for the happy people.

Sorry for the wrant, I just didn't know another way of saying this, but I did sort of feel it needed to be said.