(((((Jeff))))))

When I think about your story, the "boiling frog" analogy comes to mind, although I think, scientifically, the concept is a myth. That is, if one puts a frog in a pan of water and slowly increases the heat, the frog won't know it's in trouble until it's boiling.

Your sfather was a master at grooming you, slowly starting you so that by the time you were in over your head, you thought (and still think) that you were responsible for getting yourself into that situation, when that is simply not true.

I have an inner boy frozen inside of me. He is the one that tells me to act out to re-create my abuse. When he is getting what he wants, I become pre-verbal, obedient and compliant.

The fact that you do not is interesting... and might speak to the way in which your sfather groomed you so that you didn't dissociate during the sexual initiation with him, so your primary self-state was still the self-state getting used when the johns and movie producers were using you. -- just a theory.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.