Thank you very much for the hugs and the reply. I feel less freakish hearing your response. I read some of your story as well, and it is very sad to hear of you being abused over and over again.
In part because I've been around kinder more loving people the last two years I've come to see how I was trained when I was young to not see abuse for what it was. Intellectually I realize this, it's very hard to deal with it emotionally. I wanted to reply to you more fully but I'm in what I am identifying as the 'cold' phase of my life. It seems to switch. One day I'm an emotional basket case, the next I'm all intellect--that's how I've been functioning for years but it hasn't been very productive. I don't know how to handle that. It's like I turn most of my life off in order to get stuff done, but it's all necessity stuff, I have enormous difficulty actually wanting or appreciating any enjoyment in life. I don't know what that is.