Yerac - i think you are right about the inferiority. i always feel like i am a gawky adolescent when around other men - even those younger than me. i hadn't thought of it under that name. i was calling it "shame." i guess both could be true.

ironically, one of my "what ifs" has aways been - what if my real father hadn't died when i was almost 3? he was an athlete - a coach and Phys. Ed instructor at a college. i was even the basketball team's mascot his first season on that job. if he hadn't died - and i had grown up with him - quite apart from probly avoiding the CSA stuff from the settings that i ended up in - i always wonder if i'd have been the hopelessly awkward physical reject that i was. would i have grown up with my own private personal trainer with whom i'd have had a warm, strong bond and been a sports star? or would i have been the same inept loser that i became - and been rejected and scorned by my own father?

i know it doesn't help to torture myself that way - but i can't help it sometimes.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago