This is a difficult post to know just where to nest it. Dissociation was my primary disorder at spiritual events. I could not keep focused for minutes after the opening prayer, I just wander off in my thoughts and fell asleep.
I think it was because my father was SO strict about being at worship and living our lives according to his(no, not God's but Dad's) interpretation of the scripture. It was impossible! We would go worship and I would just go away, so overwhelmed with guilt and shame, this was supposed to be the safest place, the harbor in the storm, the haven under God's protection. Instead it was too difficult to even imagine that I would be blessed. I could not even summon the strength to empower imagine myself as good as any of those I was with worshiping.
AARRGGH! I AM as good as them, I AM proclaimed righteous by my Heavenly Father, I AM included. I was my controlled father(really parents) who scalded the ass of an innocent child and broke him, thinking they could "make" the perfect worshiper. Stupid people, idiots! I WAS WILLING! I love God. I love His word and His way, I LOVE to read, study, sing and worship with fellow believers!
Why would you damage such an willing boy!?!! SHAME on YOU! I WILL go worship! I will revel in the joyful noise of heartfelt praise to Almighty God!
I will give back the weight of those abusive "lessons", I will give them back to those with whom owes it. I DO NOT carry the debts of those who would willing carry the debt of their parents!!!! I am unburdened! I am FREE!