Hi, my brothers,
It really does get better.
There are no magic pills, not with any elixirs nor any kind of snake oil, to help.
Just plain guts, determination, faith in that innocent inner child within us.
It will cost us plenty. It will take it's emotional, mental & physical toll on us. Not to mention the monetary part.
We will at times of deep guilt & shame, which doesn't belong to us in any way shape of form, hurt so bad & want to give up the struggle. End our pain forever by thinking of harming ourselfs.
We will spend a lot of our emotional energy, doubting & second guessing ourselfs, about what we had to endure (I fell in love with my perp) & what we might have done to others. In some cases being tortured, drugged, forced into harming other young boys/girls for our abusers. They, the young boys/girls are like us they are also innocent victims.
Four years ago when all this came back into my conscious mind at the age of 69 1/2, I wished that I could have carried all of this to my grave.
It was too hard emotionally, mentally & physically on this old boy. I had thoughts of pulling the plug (the S word). Those voices & feelings were with me for 2 weeks. I was in deep clinical depression at that time. A voice came to me, and it was my inner child. Telling me big guy, make the most important 'phone call of your life. I did. I got help. I survived for another day.
That young boy named Pete, was disappointed in his big guy in a big way. He put it to me rather bluntly. Hey, big guy, I kept us alive for 69 1/2 years buried in the depths of your mind & soul in shame & guilt, etc.
Big guy, after just one year of you trying to come to terms with our youth, you thought it was too tough. Shame on you.
My 69 1/2 years vs your one year. Come on old boy, get with the program we have some more living to do.
It hasn't been an easy journey as you all very well know. Sure, i'm still second guessing myself, sure i'm still doubting myself.
I do come to these pages and learn how to work through some of it from my brothers here. We'll share our compassion, understanding, hope & love for one another. Giving each other hope & courage to go on.
Young Pete & big Pete both agree that it does get better eventually, especially a bit easier with your help. Please NEVER give up, NEVER.
Wishing my brothers here well on your journey together with me on this road to becoming a survivor. I didn't know me until now.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.