You are stronger than I, and stronger than most. I am profoundly grateful to call you a friend and a fellow survivor.
Just because you were the "top" for younger boys in those movies does *not* make you their abuser. Had you said no, you would have been replaced by another young "top" to do what they wanted, and you probably would have gotten worse than the cattleprod for your defiance.
You acted not out of free will, but out of survival. You were enslaved, and now you are free.
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.