1. When we were dating, but already falling in love, he told me about a single incident with a man at his mom's church rubbing his aroused self on my H through clothing. Some time later, but before we were married, he told me about a 50 yo creep who ran the local arena skate sharpening shop. Told me this guy had him and other boys around the neighbourhood come over to his place all the time to look at porn. 5 years into our marriage he told me his older brother sexually and physically abused him from a very early age (he doesn't quite know) but from kindergarten or grade 1 until about 12 yo. 9 years into our marriage he told me that his older brother also abused his younger brother and that he had not only witnessed, but been involved. Recently, I found out the skate arena creep, which I previously did not know ever physically touched him, did in fact corner him one night after the other boys had left and had masterbated him to completion. Recently, I also found out that his brother used to get him high and this creep used to get him drunk.
2. While I always knew about abuse, the degree of it (and its impact on him) first began to become clear when he told me of his brother. This was shortly after our second child was born. It was a very difficult birth and both myself and our daughter almost did not make it. He was an unemotional zombie after and seemed like he was permanently distracted afterward. The day after this happened, he slept in at home and after my third, frantic call to him to come to the hospital because I was so exhausted and in pain from the birth experience that I desperately needed his help at the hospital. I was hurt, angry and resentful for so long after this because he appeared to completely not care. He said sorry a bunch or times, but it was robotic and insincere and I just wasn't getting anything from him emotionally.
Months later when I was recovered he was disinterested in any intimacy with me and sleeping on a couch in our bedroom so as not to "bother" me and our daughter (I was breast feeding her at the time so kept her in bed most night after the first feeding). He was binge drinking on and off and was not working hard at work. He was in sales, so it was easy for him to just slip home in the middle of the day without his employer knowing. I knew something was very wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. I know when someone is lieing, especially my H and he was about small silly things and was hiding things from me like the fact that he was smoking cigarettes again. I started to fear an affair because of the hiding and lack of intimacy, but it didn't feel right. I finally began to think he just didn't love me anymore and didn't have the balls to do anything about it because we had a young family. I finally confronted him and begged him to leave if he wasn't happy. This is when he broke down and told me he loved me more than he could ever say, that he didn't deserve me and told me about the years of abuse from his brother.
3. He did not start recovery until last month... 11 years into our marriage. At the time of disclosure about his older brother, he agreed to go to marriage counseling and had a one on one with the psychologist where he disclosed his abuse, but I have no idea to what degree and the doc accepted his statement that he was "over it". This went on for less than a year. We spent another year with a different marriage counselor. This ended this past summer. Neither previous psychologist had any positive impact. My H has body image issues and fluctuates between extreme forms of rapid weight loss to then rapidly putting the weight back on again. He fights impulses to spontaneously buy things or spend money to fill the void, fights a porn addition and has quit drinking after his final binge ocurred this summer in the presence of our kids. He has previously managed to keep them shielded from this. When he binges, it is like he is trying to kill himself. He drinks until comotose and ends in a barely coherent rant about how sick he is of this, how he can't stand it and can't go on like this anymore, and finds himself disgusting. Despite all of this, he actually has a very strong survival instinct and deep desire to be a healthy father and husband and be successful in his career. He has finally admitted he needs help to do this and has begun seeing a therapist with over 20 years experience with CSA and who ran a men's CSA group for many years in connection with a local hospital. After only 5 weeks, he is doing so much better than he was. He is warm, open and is communicating!! He still has much work to do and still constantly fights a desire to view porn on a daily basis. Thankfully, the alcohol was easy for him to give up... I don't think he ever craved it, just used it to obliterate the pain on occasion when he did drink. Either way, after this summer's incident, I made it clear that our kids would never see him like that again, even if I had to cut him out of our lives. He loves his children more than anything else in this world, and the desire to do better for them is a very strong motivator for him to get healthy now. I am sure the bumps in our road are not over, but things have been so positive lately and I will take it as it comes.
Heal well to you too Whome!
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky