Thanks for your excellent feedback; very much appreciated. Here is what I fear: that I will end my marriage and then find that gay relationships are fleeting and that I am not at an age where I would be attractive to a potential partner. I have this overwhelming sense that I will get sick and die in isolation, that I will regret everything that I gave up and wish that I could recapture the life that I have now. I do understand on an intellectual level that this doesn't have to happen but I don't think that I have the emotional strength to make the kind of changes that I would like to have happen. So the bottom line: is it better to have a B minus life and at least know that it will probably not get worse than B minus or strive for an A but fear that everything could end in an F......I have such envy for young men who can seemingly be who they are now without the huge shame, guilt and self-hatred that would have happened to me if I made this decision at a young age. So I remain suspended in mid-air and I wonder if all of this was due at least partially due to the CSA that I experienced between ages 8 and 11 or if I would feel this way had that not occurred or if that really matters. I have been immobilized, confused and sick of all of this for several years. I do consider just giving up but then I continue on, existing, doing well on the surface, regretting that time passes. Always regretting.
Ed