Guys, I've really just started this train ride through hell called "recovery" and I'm 55 years old. I have some good days, and alot of terrible ones. Its depressing to look back at my life and see how fucked up its been because of what that pedophile did to me. I sometimes wish he had just killed me and spared me the last 42 years.
But I also have a job that gives me some perspective. I'm a nurse and I work with quadraplegics. Total paralysis, unable to move, talk, eat, much less attend to their own personal hygeine. I have two such male patients that are just 21 years old, one thats 26, and one of them is blind as well. They never get out, can't read, tell a joke, or laugh, have a job or an education. They never will know what it is to hold a woman in their arms or make love. But they smile. Despite everything they smile at me. When I feel like my life sucks, I remember their smiles and realize my life could be worse, and there are things I can be thankful for.
When I stay inside my own head I get in trouble. Its a dangerous place to be. When I get outside it and focus on helping someone else, I end up in a much better place. Look for ways to help others. Its good therapy and keeps takes your focus off your problems for a while. It works for me anyways.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell