1. How did your husband disclose?
It was almost a year after we'd separated. He'd randomly called asking to come by, but i don't think disclosure was his intention. We had a great visit and were in the basement so he could gather up more of his things when I said "maybe one day I'll know what really happened with our marriage." He sat down, said "do you want to know?", folded his hands, hung his head and was silent for a few seconds before saying he was abused as a child and gave me very few details. We had a very intense discussion about a lot of thIngs, there were tears on both sides, and a month or so later he told me he felt really good about telling me.
2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes and no. Our sex life was terrible, but he always had a fitting excuse. He was tired from not sleeping well, his dad was sick, work was stressful, he'd gained weight and didn't feel good about himself. He never talked about his past. "it's in the past, it doesn't matter" he'd say. He drank...A LOT. There was a time when I thought he might be an alcoholic but he never drank to drunkenness...just a constant numbing. Except on our honeymoon when he got completely and utterly obliterated, and one other time about two weeks before he walked out on me. He HAD to move from our townhouse and to the country after just one year. "The front entrance is too small," he'd say. I thought this was all incredibly bizarre but I loved him unconditionally and we had an awesome life together so I just accepted what he said. I would never have made the link, though, because CSA is something I'd never been exposed to before. Early this summer when he said something about needing to learn that it's ok to trust and finding out what kind of man he is, I tweaked that there might be more going on than I knew. He told me two months later.
3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
No. In his mind it seems that leaving his marriage and disclosing to his affair partner is therapy. The betrayal I felt when he told me this was enormous. He does not see that this is simply more running, that he has to deal with his past. This includes his abuse and certain choices he's made in his life. I implored him to go to therapy last fall before I knew about his CSA but after i found out about his lies and ongoing D/s porn use, and he didn't go. More recently I told him I hoped from the bottom of my heart that he would go into therapy. He says he's done therapy before. Clearly it hasn't worked. He does not want to look at his past or his choices or himself.