I don't think that drinking is indicative of someone who has entered into recovery. Sorry, but I lived through hell and it looked a lot like what you are describing. If he is numbing himself with alcohol, he simply is not yet showing up.

Thinking you can change your behavior to create a change in his is codependency defined. You can change your behavior to create a life you love and are proud of. You can change your behavior to set limits and boundaries of what types of behavior you will accept and support. You cannot NICE your way through this however. You cannot change yourself into something that will elicit the behavior from him that you want (that is a type of control).

Codependency No More is a great book. And she talks about this whole CONTROLLING thing. We think we are not codependent because we see our "controlling" nature as assertiveness. We are therefore independent not codependent, right? This is a fallacy. We have no control over anyone and until we realize this, we tie ourselves dramatically to the outcome of someone else's life. And, as whome says, we become enablers. (Go to an Al-Anon meeting if you want to have this concept batted home)

One other thing - in my therapy, we are working on compassion. In my codependency, I thought that being accomodating to other people was synonymous with compassion - I didn't want to let them down, I didn't want to fail them, or hurt them. THIS IS NOT COMPASSION. Compassion starts with ourselves. And compassion toward other people is a mixture of honesty, boundary enforcement and the communication of expectations. I saw a joke the other day on facebook that was a child crying to his mother: "Why won't you do my laundry???" To which the mother replies "Out of compassion" - I thought it was interesting. I can do your laundry, but because I have compassion for you, I will not. You will. You will find the solution yourself. You will steer your own ship. Hand your husband back the reins of his life - and take up your own. You will see dramatic change in your quality of life, I promise wink