Hang on! There will be pain and confusion ahead, but there will also come self-understanding, self acceptance, and a growing capacity to experience OTHER emotions, like love and peace. Don't give up. Keep posting because all of us understand and are behind you in this. You WILL make it.

"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell