Love,

My boyfriend of 4 years is a survivor of CSA. We have gone through alot of things in these four years, from instability, insecurity, no trust, no boundaries. He has repeatedly done the same form of acting out, which is to seek out the attentions online of other women and become involved with them.

We go through a cycle about every 3 to 6 months, he gets stressed out, (even though there have been plenty of times that he was not and was doing this anyway, I know now as a coping mechanism for things that he was feeling and going through that he kept locked inside) and next thing you know, he's online cruising for chicks. I catch him, we have a big blow up, then next thing you know he's sorry and we're in love again. I've perpetuated this cycle just as much as he has. Then it happens all over again.

We've rarely had an I guess what you would call "normal" relationship. Its constant up and down, up and down.

He's finally going to go and get some help, and unfortunately for us this means he is going to be leaving to go to his mothers house to stay while he can get some help and get on the right path.

So I know what you are going through. I want to clarify its not just the infidelity that gets to me. Its the insecurity. Its the instability. Never knowing what to do or say. Never knowing whats going to trigger him. I truly believe that this last time if I hadnt told him it was over unless he gets help that he wouldnt have even started down this path of healing.

I could've written your post up there. I am tired of not being treated with respect, I am tired of him NOT acknowledging my hurt and pain that he caused. I am tired of the roller coaster ride of emotions, and the constant worry and looking over my shoulder to see whats going to hit me next. I am now going to have to be responsible for our household, our bills, our everything.

You just don't know how exactly I could've written your post. He IS a beautiful spirit, and a wonderful person, and a great dad. And I know deep down in there somewhere is someone who is wonderful. I see him shining through. I saw him when we met. I saw him as we dated.

Then I lost track of that beautiful man. The beauty and love I thought we had just all feels like a huge facade.

So to answer your question as to how do I deal?

Not very freaking well it seems sometimes. smile