It has been amazingly helpful to read all the threads on this topic. I have been dealing with much of the confusion that has been written about here. I've ben in therapy for the past 6 months and my therapist insists that sexual orientation is biological but did admit when I confronted him last week that CSA can influence orientation. So I am in a state of suspended uncertainty. And sometimes the uncertainty is just too much to bear.......it's too much to bear because it is related to the abuse that I experienced at 8 and the fact that I have fond memories of being held and being "special." As with several other guys who have written here, I was not like the other boys -- lousy at baseball, a good boy in school who did well and disliked the rough and tumble of the neighborhood. I was called "faggot" every day for three years. My father tried to toughen me up but that didn't work so I was accepted by the 18 year old guy across the street. All I had to do in return was suck and be sucked. It seemed pleasurable and wonderful at the time. And then it stopped and I put it in a box and didn't think much about. I'm married, have a grown son, everything seems normal but nothing is normal [whatever normal is]. I'm in turmoil but appear okay on the surface. The turmoil is like an emotional abyss. Suicide has seemed like a reasonable alternative. I'm on heavy anti-depressants. Life goes on every day. I go grocery shopping and do all the things that a good husband is supposed to do -- except in the sexual arena. And when I look at gay porn on the Internet all I feel is longing, confusion and shame. Not sure where to go from here......