I have often felt like that. People have often told me I am cool, calm and collected. On the inside, it feels like a hurricane is ripping through me. Sure I project an image of keeping it together, but there are times when I am hardly feeling that way.
Overcoming drugs is a sign of strength my friend. I did it some years ago. I know I got addicted to drugs because I didn't want to feel anything. The self hatred, and the insecurities were too much to bear, so I numbed myself with drugs, alcohol, and porn. It kept all of the feelings just below the surface.
We don't wear a badge of honor for surviving abuse, but we have to give credit to ourselves for getting us this far. For other brothers in healing, the pain was too much to bear and they chose to end their lives. We chose a different path, and we are here because of it.
There is strength in feeling weak. To admit that you want to breakdown some times takes strength. As men, we are conditioned to think that we should not have feelings and emotions. That we are not allowed to feel vulnerable. But it's all lies. When we open ourselves up and allow those parts of us to show, we are giving us the chance to heal. We can't heal if we are closed up. The first step is breaking the silence. You have done that, and that is significant. It does in fact show that you are strong. You may not feel that way right now, but there is strength in acknowledging your emotions.
It feels counter-intuitive to give yourself credit for feeling weak, sad, depressed or any other emotion surfaces. But owning your feelings and being honest with yourself, is the mark of a strong man. One who is willing to embrace being vulnerable. And it takes just that to move through healing.
Heal well brother.
I am the warrior.