I have been deeply grateful for the support that I've received since I became part of this site a week ago. Discussing this -- even on-line -- is a new experience for me. I have now been more open to my wife about the gay thing. We talk about it as if I am uncertain about it because if I said that I was certain, too much would come crashing down.........so: a few questions:

~ Do you think that you would absolutely have been gay if you hadn't been abused? My therapist had said that it was clearly determined by biology but also said that abuse could contribute. I suppose it doesn't really matter but I'm curious.

~ This may sound weird but I have yet to truly recognize that the experience I had as a boy [ages 8 to 12] were really abusive. They were in fact physically and emotionally enjoyable. Of course I know that a sexual relationship between an 18 year old and an 8 year old is not appropriate but I found a warmth and understanding that I have really not found as an adult. I've always wondered if I am searching for a relationship that is similar to the one that I had at the time.

~ And finally [at least for now], how many married men with SSA have acted on their attractions? I have never been to a gay bar or put myself in a situation where I would have the opportunity for a sexual experience. I am definitely tempted but can't see myself acting on it.........so there is a longing that goes unfulfilled. I keep thinking that I have one life and I want to be whoever the hell I am. It seems at this point in my life I would have figured that out.

Ed