I'm not usually one for replying person to person (actually usually on anything I post there are only 1 or 2 replies at most so it's not an issue), but there are things I want to be sure I note and reply to in each reply.
Before I do I'll clarify "my addiction". I realized after not only posting this here but sharing via email with another person, that what was "clear" from my perspective was very confusing to some others!
Anyway, I've been addicted to porn since I was 11. Addicted to compulsive MB since I was 7 or 8. Maybe earlier, but I know for sure that I was by that age, even though I didn't know it had a name, and really thought I was the only one in the whole world who did it. Even at that young age it was very frequent and by the time porn came along it was definitely at minimum a once a day thing and more often than not twice.
It started off with a large collection of mags that my brother (recently home from the army) brought home with him. Sadly over my teen years, I was responsible for exposing more than a few other poor naive souls to that horrific abyss. I shared it because it made me feel good. Made me feel important, because I had something "forbidden" that they only heard "dark whispers of" etc. Anyway, once we got the internet when I was in 9th or 10th grade I believe, then all bets were off. I had already grown bored with the still image mags and even the still image pictures I could find and so with the discovery of usenet and other such services I now had access to mountains of videos, the only limit to the consumption thereof was most of those files took far to long to download on that old 9600k baud rate dial-up modem I had (it took another few years before the blazing speed of 14.4k modems was available).
Even then I quickly got tired of the standard run of the mill videos and nothing but the Hard Core stuff would suffice. That's kinda where I am at now. 99% of the time it's an HC vid that I go looking for. I say kinda, because there are days where even that doesn't cut it and I find myself looking up BDSM and other torture/forced stuff.
It's also not all "straight", that just depends on my particular mood and what I'm feeling at the time. Although when I do watch non-straight videos the person I relate to in the video is always the person being used for the pleasure of the other person or persons etc.
So there's a FAR long explanation than I had even considered doing. I just kinda came out and now this post will probably be far too long for people to read.
Your questions are good ones and are ones that I asked myself and even recognized that I've got issues in areas that I'm of course, struggling with. So of my addictions and such are definitely rooted in the mindset of escape. I've been "escaping" from real life since I was a kid. The other part of it is definitely in unmet desires and longings in my heart.
I too find myself very lonely. I have no close friends that I can be open with. I just really never learned how as a kid. I was always on the outside and alone and so didn't make friends and as I got older I kept to myself, definitely as a result of abuse, and then in Jr. High and High School as a result of bullying, I pulled away even more. I actually took pride in the fact that in High School I didn't need anyone and didn't hang out with all those "stupid" kids who partied all the time etc etc... looking back it was probably just a full on denial of the feelings inside. High School was also the time when the porn habit/addiction kicked into over drive. I also spent countless hours in video games, which were just another way to escape.
Yes I feel broken. I know I have many unmet desires. I actually am on the Autism spectrum (I'm actually kinda proud of it, it makes me different, but at the same time that is yet another reason I struggle to connect to other people.). I don't know how to get those desires met or how to stop feeling broken.
To be honest I'm envious of your deliverance from these struggles. I know God does indeed deliver some people out of that in an instant manner, yet for me and others I've talked to, we don't get that granted to us. Believe me I pray for it, as Paul did to be delivered from his thorn in the flesh. I know that if someday God does deliver me or even if His reply is the same as to Paul, "My Grace is sufficient for you...." I have to accept it, and try to be like my brother Paul and "boast in my weakness". I certainly won't give up striving to DO what I KNOW is right, but it surely is a struggle each and every day.
My wife really is amazing. I often wonder what I did to deserve her.... or conversely what did SHE do to deserve me! ;-) Sorry, little humor there. All that up there was getting heavy and it was time for a little comedic relief.
That ability to be so open has taken A LOT of work, on both our parts. I've been married nearly 13 years now and believe me, it wasn't so many years ago that it was impossible for us to be able to be that open.
Speaking of open.... this last time keeping my eyes open was impossible. I tried to, but when I did the shame was there. The time before that though, I did and it was a wonderful time and there was no shame or issues. It was just great. She has been making an effort to be more available to me, but it's still a struggle as her drive is WAY low and mine has been hyper since puberty hit.
I think I just found my new quote of the day, "God is not fickle and shit!" Love it!
Anyway, my recent work and struggles and such have definitely got me working internally, but also have me working on "receiving" into myself, what I know "logically" to be true. What I mean by that, is I know what God says. I know how He sees me, yet I have this barrier to internalizing it. I still have this struggle and battle within to feel acceptable and worthy, despite the fact that God has already declared it to be so.
Yes it all is indeed progress, but progress hurts! Like my good brother James said... "Consider it all joy... when you encounter various trials...". These surely are "self-made" trials, but God surely does use them to work me over!
Wow, amazing... I hit the PM limit! Crazy! I cleared it up, I have stuff all the WAY back to 08 in there. It's really really open now.
@The fellow who sent me a PM you know who you are! ;-)
Yes I put humor in my stuff, it's how I get through all this!
Anyway... <---- I say that a lot too apparently.
Thanks for the PM, I'll cut/paste what I typed here and drop a PM back at ya!
Anyway <---- See there it is again....
I don't even remember how and where I started this thing at because it's taken lots o lots o time.
So there it is!
Mind is no longer connecting. Heart is no longer heavy.
Edited by JustScott (10/05/12 10:14 AM)