I know it feels frightening, but I can tell you that when I really started to take control of my life, I felt so much calmer. I am glad you are starting therapy for yourself. Remember that it is there for to help you gain clarity on what the right decisions are for you... A good therapist will not tell you what you need or should do. The therapist will help you to clarify the options you have and facilitate you in determining what you really can live with or not... You will decide what you need to be happy. That is what this is all about: being happy. For me, I realized that I could not be happy in a marriage arrangement with my H while he engaged in certain acting out behaviours. It didn't change the fact that I loved him and wanted to be Living as husband and wife, but until I set this boundary, I felt trapped and anxious, frustrated and resentful. When I admitted to myself that certain behaviours were deal breakers, I could articulate this to my H and take action. I was sad, because I knew I was letting go of the outcome. Prior to setting the boundary, I was trying to control the outcome and control his behaviour. By setting the boundary I had to let go of the outcome and risk that he would or could not comply. It was freeing for me because it meant I was not blaming myself if he chose to continue to act this way. Gosh, I don't know if this is translating here or not... I think this may sound like a whole lot of rambling. Bottom line is, for me, setting boundaries was freeing, not frightening. I had less control, but felt more in control. So far, my H has decided to live within my boundary needs. I know you have mentioned codependency, but I wonder how much reading you have done on it. I had a very different idea of what it really meant until the last few months. I know realize that breaking my codependency has allowed me to stop trying to control, coerce, nag, beg and manipulate him into giving me what I need while being out of control of this myself (because if he didnt comply, my needs were denied). Now I am the only one I look to for my needs. If anyone, including my H is acting in a way that does not respect my needs, I have choices and I have boundaries and I can act on these. I feel empowered - even if I dont always like the choices, it is still so much more free feeling than feeling stuck.
Having a 3 month old is overwhelming at the best of times and I can only imagine what you are feeling now. You are likely also very emotional as your hormonal balance will still be settling since giving birth. I feel very, very lucky to live in a place where 1 year maternity is universal. Focus on you and your beautiful baby. Try to live for you and let your H go figure out his own sh*t. And if he can't or won't, then you are right, he will miss out, but YOU don't have to. He will never, ever be over this... It can get better and he can feel much better than he does today and his behaviour / choices can improve, but it will not go away and his experiences will always be impacted by it. I have had to simply accept that fact with my H. Just like I have had to accept some other not so wonderful truths of my life... But it is my life, I am alive and want to embrace all that is beautiful in my life, so I have to accept the things I can't change so I have the energy to celebrate the positives.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky