it's all classic dissociative reactions.
in other words - you are normal in your responses to a very abnormal traumatic experience.
and most of us here understand most - if not all - of those symptoms.
i know i do.
so - keep on thinking it through, writing it out, posting, sharing, talking, even though it's not unique - your particular details and insights help others and others can in turn help you - we are very symbiotic!
There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. - Hamlet, Act 5, sc 2