Sorry you're struggling with this, but I think you're doing the right thing exposing it to the light of truth and acceptance and honesty.
My response is in the form of a question: I'm pretty sure I know what specific addiction you're talking to (i've seen you mention it on other threads). What feelings are you trying to numb, or what experience are you trying to escape from that compels you so much to do it?
While I don't have addiction issues with that specific behavior, I do have others. And I've become very aware that I've been in fact trying to numb my feelings and escape the circumstances of my life, if even for a little while.
I've been practicing taking a cold hard look at the circumstances of my life, and asking myself some pretty poignant questions: what is my daily routine? How do I feel about it? How do I feel about myself? These questions lead me to understanding that I had needs that were not being met. I've had my addictive behaviors as a means to escape feelings of chronic loneliness and believing I was being fundamentally broken and hopeless (I grew up believing I was autistic/retarded).
Once I starting becoming aware of these fundamental truths of myself, and began accepting them, .. then I was slowly relieved of the need to participate in addictive behaviors. I still have some, but the more I work on myself and gaining masterful awareness of what makes me tick, and address the ***needs that I find are not getting met***, the need to 'use' decreases.
It's all part of the healing process. All of our issues are interconnected at the deepest level.
My 2 cents.
I think you're brave for sharing this and getting this out there. You will find that sharing your truth will ultimately set you free.
Edited by Magellan (10/04/12 11:37 PM)
Edit Reason: added a couple clarifying sentences
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM