Welcome to MS. Your experiences and feelings are so familiar. You are not alone here. This is a community of men who understand and can relate to what you've been thru. You can speak without fear of judgement here. Keep digging deeper and posting when you feel comfortable. When you get to the bottom, no doubt it will hurt like hell, but you will get thru it, and we'll be here to back you up.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell