Welcome to MS. Your experiences and feelings are so familiar. You are not alone here. This is a community of men who understand and can relate to what you've been thru. You can speak without fear of judgement here. Keep digging deeper and posting when you feel comfortable. When you get to the bottom, no doubt it will hurt like hell, but you will get thru it, and we'll be here to back you up.
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."Pink Floyd