Oh, yes.... - in answer to your last question.
and WELCOME to MS, gtr2000.
you will find - if you look back through earlier threads in this Spirituality section - and also elsewhere - that you are not alone. many of us have lots of troubling issues. as you read, you will start to recognize which members are sincere, active, practicing Christians, others that are believers in God but not very specific as far as other details of theri faith, some who ascribe to the "Higher Power" brand from the step programs, and others who have a variety of other types of spiritual beliefs - eastern, etc. There are also many who are very triggered by talk of God or religion because of their individual abuse experiences - some in church settings, etc.
so - good that you are introducing yourself - and asking your questions here - and i'm sure you'll get multiple responses. i'll write more personally later.
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago