Yesterday was the first time in a while when it hurt so bad I just wanted to die. I spent the morning curled up in a ball on the floor screaming and crying till I puked. More followed in the afternoon. I scared my wife and children. It was a mess.
I thought I had begun to see daylight, but now I realize this shit is deeper than I thought, and its not going to be over till its over. Its just the way it is and I have to get thru it, no matter what.
If I had been 13 and raped, in another time and place. If I could have been allowed to feel the pain and grieve the loss of my childhood then. If I had had the support of my family and maybe a child therapist then. Maybe I wouldn't have to go thru this now. But here I am. Sober. Feeling the pain for the first time. Grieving for the first time. And just so damn tired of it.
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?. The Who