Yesterday was the first time in a while when it hurt so bad I just wanted to die. I spent the morning curled up in a ball on the floor screaming and crying till I puked. More followed in the afternoon. I scared my wife and children. It was a mess.
I thought I had begun to see daylight, but now I realize this shit is deeper than I thought, and its not going to be over till its over. Its just the way it is and I have to get thru it, no matter what.
If I had been 13 and raped, in another time and place. If I could have been allowed to feel the pain and grieve the loss of my childhood then. If I had had the support of my family and maybe a child therapist then. Maybe I wouldn't have to go thru this now. But here I am. Sober. Feeling the pain for the first time. Grieving for the first time. And just so damn tired of it.
"And God only knows
God makes his plan
The information's unavailable to the mortal man
We're workin' our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe were gliding down the highway
When if fact we're slip slidin' away"Paul Simon