Thank you so much for responding. This is the type of conversation I need. I need someone who is totally unbiased to give me their take and stance.
I cannot talk to my parents. To be honest, they are highly protective of me, and my father would either shoot him, or my mother would string him up. Either way the relationship would have to be unequivocally over. They would only see the pain and hurt he's caused me. And while I understand their position, I also understand his. This is something that I feel I need to work through, not be railroaded by anyone: him, my parents, my friends... into making any decision too rashly. I believe that straight forward thinking is the only route in this.
I do have some "in real life" friends that I can talk to, but let's be honest, they are going to be very "pro-me" and "Anti-him", and thats not what I need either.
My sister is of course, very straight forward like I am, especially with me. She has advised me that I need to cut ties with him for a while and then possibly see down the road where it may lead. If he can allow me the chance to do that. Right now I feel very pressured to give in to him and just take him in my arms and hold him tight and tell him things will be ok. But when I do this I feel this overwhelming need to remind him that this doesn't change anything its just sometimes we need a little love in this world.
I don't want to be dysfunctional, and right now, we are both operating at the definition of dysfunction. And thats just not logical to me. I can't see where we can help each other if we aren't ok with ourselves first. Because right now I am not ok. I have so many conversations going inside myself.
My head says,"Its not entirely his fault. He has issues, and what the hell would you do if you had endured something like this? You just might lose your crap for awhile too. Everyone has skeletons and you're not perfect yourself, so how can you judge him?"
Then my heart says,"You still love him, and he's hurting, so just take him and hold him and show him some affection. Everyone deserves affection, and you're being cold for not extending that to him."
Then my gut says,"This is a bad @$$ situation that is likely to get worse before it gets better. And its only going to get better if he gets help. Run... run... run...."
And then the guilt sets in for having any/all of these thoughts. Not to mention it gets quite tiresome having all of these crazy women talking in my head. No one agrees, and I have found that I will beat a topic to death inside of myself. I deal in absolutes and logic. I overthink everything (as shown by my rambling posts.
) and I do not make rash decisions. However, I also have certain "rules" or boundaries in my own life that I set a long time ago that I have allowed him to smash straight through and violate all of them except one.
I hope he is serious about getting help. He swears he is. I guess time will tell. If he doesn't get help I know I cannot continue in the current situation. I still need time to myself, to regroup and look at the situation with maybe an unbiased view. Cause right now, I am just in protection mode.