Saw this thread this morning and decided to add.

My own abuse lasted for over 9 years, and in all that time, I never told anyone.

I never said no. I never said stop. Except the last time.... and for that I was raped. Sometimes saying No doesn't matter.

Even after that I never said anything to anyone. Many of things you mention feeling I could have written myself. The shame and fear, the feeling like somehow I can't be a man if all that happened.... I still struggle with feeling right or allowed to call myself a man.

I too have my wife by my side in this. One book I got was called "If The Man You Love Was Abused". You can find it Here.
I got it for my wife, but I found a lot in it to be helpful for me as well.

One other thing I wanted to add, is that when I hit like 10 to 12 years old, I sought it out. I actively 'wanted' it and liked it, looked forward to it, and then when the abusers moved away, I missed them and wanted them to come back. That doesn't mean it somehow made what happened ok, or that it wasn't abuse. It definitely was. It's just that I had become so hyper sexualized that by the time puberty hit everything sexual went into over drive and what I had known was so "normal" to me because it was just always present in my life. That kind of response isn't out of the norm and you'll find many here who shares similar experiences of reaching a point where they actively returned to and sought out their abusers attention.

That's one of the horrible and insidious things about this kind of abuse. After awhile you become so conditioned and literally brain washed that you willingly give your abuser whatever they want.

Hang in there. You're starting down a difficult road, but it's 100% worth the effort.