Rachel, I completely connect with what you are saying. I have a post here called "Things that keep me up at night" where I talk of my sadness (ok, self-pity) over what my marriage will likely never be, BUT, I am seeing it will be a whole lot more than it is now if I keep asking for it. You talked of resentment about getting your own therapy when he won't. I understand where this comes from, but hear this... You going to therapy has nothing to do with him. It is all and only for you. It's purpose is not to help you be "stronger" so you can carry more of his emotional load. Therapy will help you to detach from his emotional load and set boundaries that care for and protect your emotional well being. When you have done this, if you choose to, you will INCIDENTALLY be a better support to your H as well, but not because you will be carrying him, but because you will be standing separate, encouraging him and challenging him without being crushed under the weight of trying to heal him. Either way, you move forward and that is good. You deserve it... hell we all do!
I have a child with Aspergers, and I remember for some months after him being diagnosed and given the prognosis, I felt profoundly sad and felt cheated. I know that sounds selfish... but I had lost that feeling a mother has when she holds her healthy baby for the first time, that her child will and can be ANYTHING. I felt his diagnosis put a ceiling on this. It's been three years since his diagnosis and I see how foolish I was... Not because he can be "anything", but because we all have strengths and weaknesses and life is about acknowledging and embracing our weaknesses and learning to overcome and flourish in new ways we didn't know existed. We can't predict anything in life. My marriage, my life and my children did not turn out at all like I had envisioned, but while there are difficulties I hadn't expected, there are more wonderful aspect I hadn't expected as well. I know it is very, very difficult to see the light and beauty in yourself, in your H and in your life together, but it is there.
Someone wrote (and I think it was HD) that in each of us is a wolf of darkness and one of divine light and they are in constant battle, The wolf that wins is the one we feed. This story touched me because it is a perfect metaphor for something so very true! I try to remind myself to feed the right one all the time and it helps to allow me to embrace the moment and find the beauty.
Sadness is good (even if it feels bad), because we are feeling and processing, but resentment and guilt (which I also seesaw back and forth between at times) don't help me to improve my life at all. They keep me stuck in the place that I don't want to be in.
Forgive yourself for not being able to fix him and forgive him for not yet having the courage to face his recovery so he can be a more complete husband and father. Forgiveness does not mean you give up your need to be married to a man that wants these thing for himself too, but it allows you to let go of resentment.
I really hope you choose to help yourself and maybe you will end up being a model for your H to do the same.
And when it feels hopeless and dark, come here and listen and be listened to. We have all felt what you feel is some form or another. We will honour your pain, process and listen to you.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky