"I want to be able to talk to him about how I am hurt. Is this something I shouldn't do until he is further along in the healing process? When I try to talk to him about my feelings, he says things like "you don't know what hurt is." Not having been abused, he's right. My emotional issues seem to not be able to compare. But I know that I am human and I have my own hurts"
Something that I have learned about hurt is that it is all relative to what you experience. It doesn't do us any good as humans to compare our pain and decide who's is the worst. Because the truth is no matter where a persons pain come from death, war, abuse, neglect, whatever at it's core it is the same pain. I have had friends tell me of their struggles and then offer a disclaimer of how they know that their pain is nothing compared to what I went through. That's a bunch of BS. And I could look at the children in Africa who are forced to rape their mothers and murder their parents and them become soldiers against their will and say. My pain is nothing compared to what they go through. I believe that this kind of thinking doesn't help anyone, and it doesn't heal anyone. I think that your pain in every way is just valid as his.
That being said it sounds like he may be so overwhelmed by his own pain that hearing about yours is just too much to handle.(right now at least) I know it is next to impossible to not take this personally but try not to. I'm in the same boat right now with my H.
I think that the most powerful thing that we can do as partners to help encourage our men to heal is to heal ourselves. Positive actions are very contagious. And I know I have said this before but it is so true that when we let our lights shine we give others permission to do the same. I'm currently realizing that I have a lot more baggage then I wanted to realize and dealing with it makes me feel empowered. I am half of this marriage and taking care of and growing my half gives me the sense of usefulness and power in the relationship that for years I felt I didn't have. Its a slow process but as I grow I see H growing to, it's hard and painful right now but I know that we are both working towards the common goal of happiness together. Even though we don't talk about anything like that yet I still see it. I would encourage you to go to therapy you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking steps to love and heal yourself. I want to validate you pain as real. And your struggle as long, exhausting, and scary. Peace be with you
Keep calm and carry on!