Thank you so much guys for your words and support. I was fearful that I might have guys telling me what kind of a major scumbag I am, and certainly - that is how I often feel. To know that it is something that has happened and that there is some hope for it to stop if I put in the effort and take the steps to heal, is profound.
Lee - your notion that it might be related to being in a position of power for once is so interesting to me. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but if you really look at it closely, in those moments - we certainly are in a position of power. I never play the powerful role in those interactions - meaning I obey and the follow the lead - but everything before that, I am in control of what they access to. Really interesting.