I wanted to share an amazing experience from therapy and hopefully get some comment. I wish I had the appropriate words to convey this.
I have always conceived of myself as “living in my head” I recall in the movie "Men in Black" an alien king (I believe it was) lived inside a giant machine (a humanoid) controlling its actions. He was perched in a chair in its head at the controls. When I saw this I though; wow, how symbolic of my concept of myself.
My therapist moves in closer to me at each session. I have all sorts of defenses he has helped me develop an awareness of. I ramble; veer off the subject, etc. I feel like I am covered in radar antennae and all sorts of sensors. I am forever sensing my environment and staying way out ahead of present time to be prepared for any and everything. I have a thousand answers to a question before it is even completely spoken. The circumstances are occasionally (rarely) such that these fall away and I am out. Not for long.
Last night in Therapy as I was overwhelmed by the emergence of an awareness of a personality trait my systems utterly failed. I froze. This issue made such sense and I was so clueless to the connection. I was just dumbfounded. I recall taking and incredibly deep breath…my eyes teared and I started to tingle. This tingling radiated out and I best describe it as a hand slowly awkwardly sliding into a glove. It keep pushing and filling the space. This body sensation was unreal as I sat there and experienced it. It seemed to go on for quite some time as it pulsed and tingled especially in my legs it seems. I felt flushed Then, I just was there. I wasn’t really thinking anything, just looking around. Occasionally I looked at my Therapist. I had nothing to say and finally said so to him. He was very reassuring and I just spent time with him. We were just there together. It just was. I kind of thought well is this where I am staying? I even left there in the same state. I did have this thought of Am I going out there like this? I came home and was just looking around and was here.
Today I am not the same as I was yesterday before my session. I have not really processed all this but had quite an unusual day. I didn’t shame myself all day for anything that wasn’t perfect. I took a little bit better care of myself. I just don’t know. But this is just what it is.