I feel like this place is safe enough to put something out here without to harsh of judgement, and also get back some good advice, insight, suggestion, support, etc. This is something that I've struggled with alot lately. Frankly it's something I've struggled with my whole life since the abuse and it's weighing heavier now than ever before, not sure why. Since I was in my late teens/early 20's I've behaved like somewhat of a sexual deviant, at least that is how I see it. Despite identifying as a straight guy, and only ever entering into straight relationships my entire life, and really truly feeling like a straight man, throughout the years I have continually engaged in brief sexual encounters with men. I use the word brief because with the exception of one person, they were single isolated meetings that didn't last long, were strictly sexual and absolutely nothing else beyond that. I usually meet these people via the internet, communicate for a short period of time, meet for the purposes described above, and then it's done. I have always sought out a specific type - in that they were older than myself, preferably married or in a relationship, often times like myself, as I felt as though they offered the best discretion. What I have come to realize is that the thing I am most attracted to are the moments prior to actually meeting these people in person. I think of it as the "chase" - it's the period where I am being sought after heavily, overly complimented on my appearance, engaging in explicit and highly sexual chatting, and overall excitement at the prospect of being sexually stimulating to this person. In the beginning, chatting was sufficient for me and I got what I was looking for from those situations. It escalated from there to either exchanging pictures or meeting in person because the accolades would increase and their desire to really engage in sexual contact was evident and I fell in love with those feelings of being wanted and lusted after. The first time that it ever reached the point of actual physical contact, it was almost as if I felt obligated to just do something because we had been in communication for so long, and there might have been some heavy guilt laid on by the person who angrily referred to me as a tease. Now I won't lie and say that the sexual contact wasn't pleasurable, surely it felt good in the moment, however without fail after every interaction, I crash. Just a complete draining of all of the energy and life from my body. Every single time, I swear to myself that it's the last time I will do something like that, because I never walk away feeling good about anything, not myself, not life in general. The aftermath really is a horrible experience. I am beyond disgusted with myself in those moments. It eventually passes after some time and I know deep down that the need to do it again, the excitement will undoubtedly come back, the question just becomes, how soon. I liken the whole thing to a drug addiction because honestly that is really what it feels like. I've never been addicted to any kind of drugs in my life, but from what I see in the media or hear directly from people, the feelings and thoughts that they experience when addicted to drugs doesn't seem all that different. It's a powerful need that I can't shake and absolutely have to fullfill. If I try and brush it to the side and not act on it, I can't focus on anything until I do something about it. I feel so stupid saying it, but I truly feel like it's so powerful and too strong for me to fight off.
I'm not single, and in fact I am in a virtually happy and committed relationship with someone, there are even talks of marriage. I've read some of the posts from partners here and what they go through in their lives and how traumatic the experiences their loved ones have put them through - and I can't help but feel like my relationship is the same - I know it is the same. We are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode when the sad truth of how I conduct my life is uncovered - and every bit of the turmoil that will unfold is my fault. I don't want this lifestyle to be my destiny - I want better for myself and everyone else in my life. But I can't help but feel like the damage is done and there is no recuperating from the bad choices that I've made. The current program I am on isn't safe or healthy, firstly for the girl in my life, and second for myself.
I feel the need to put this out there because I hold onto this reality myself. Nobody on the planet, aside from the people I meet for these encounters, know the truth. I wanted to unload a little bit of it because for one, it is so heavy, and two, I truly want to stop doing this to myself and others - I just don't know how.
Thanks for listening