Welcome back online Bob. The rage has retreated for now. My guy and I had a tough time sunday after he started with dropping the gloves over little nit-picky things on saturday, but I confronted him about my feelings and we worked through it. He had his third T appt on Monday and literally seemed like he had a load taken off his back. He was just, I don't know... kind of joy filled. It was amazing. He shared with me and I just listened. The entire mood in our house has been lighter since.
Regarding family... I agree. I am BIG on family never understood for years why my H always kept them at arms length, but I do now. We don't see them too much - especially this year. It's kinda sad that my kids don't have the same relationship with his parents as with mine, but distance is still better than drowning in dysfunction.
I think its awesome that you caught yourself with the wallet thing. I get it. I can totally relate with the temptation to distort a situation to seek self-pity from others. It's about validation I think. Needing to know people care and notice us, but that kind of validation leaves us feeling worse because we know it's fake. I mean, even if the wallet WAS stolen, I think that kind of validation still feels artificial. Good for you for catching yourself and being present enough to recognise the tricks our psyche can play on us to feed some insecurity in us.
I think you are right about everything not tracing back to the abuse too. I think that's an easy trap to fall into though... Almost defining all the things you don't like by your abuse. I think it maybe encourages someone not to own their truths. Know what I mean? Anyway, I know I have been guilty of reading too much into my H's behaviour in the past and now I am asking straight up if something has triggered him. Funny enough, he usually answers no. I'm not yet sure if he is being honest (with himself as much as with me) or if it really hasn't triggered him. Time will tell, but the more I talk and ask and not walk on eggshells around him, it seems the more we trust one another. This is a good thing. The best thing that I could ask for. I know it's a long way to go, but as long as I know we are a little further ahead than a month ago, I feel like we are going to be ok.
Thanks for writing Bob.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky