Hi TJP,

Your wife may not know what to say. I am certain she is in shock. It is not everyday that someone finds out the one they love has been abused. Telling others about the sexual abuse is similar to telling people you have a serious illness - they are uncomfortable and do not know what to say.

Your wife may need a therapist of her own to help her through this healing journey. Should you decide to tell her about this site, there is a Friends and Family forum where she will receive a lot of information and support. There is also an area for Friends and Family in chat.

Expecting friendships to turn sexual is one of the effects of being abused by those whom you called "friend." The boundaries were blurred and friendship (or what was presumed to be friendship) and acceptance became linked with unwanted sexual activity.

I am so very sorry to hear that your wife asked you if you abused anyone just because you were abused. That myth has caused male survivors more harm than anything else.

Just becuase a male was sexually abused does NOT mean he will become an abuser!!!!

You can read information both about how that myth started AND the research which debunks the original research resopnsible for that myth, here. Unfortunately, too many in society believe that myth. Law enforcement, attorneys and judges also believe that nonsense, even though there is NO basis in fact for it. Sadly, the fact a male has been sexually abused has been used as "proof" that he will be a danger to children, and he may lose all contact with his kids for no other reason than someone again asserted that myth as "fact" and it was believed.

One of the biggest societal challenges we face is debunking the myths regarding males who have been sexually abused.

You are not "gross." You are someone who was harmed in a way you never should have been harmed, by someone who said he was your "friend." Not only did he take advantage of you, he encouraged others to do the same. What is gross is what he and the others did, and the fact they abused their power and the trust you had in them.

Baby steps is the way to start this journey. And though it may feel lonely and isolating at times, you are no longer alone.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.