I am new here. Female. Traumatized by relationship with CSA victim. Have looked for the answers I never got from my now ex H through our 12 year relationship (have known him for 17 years). Ruined by the effects of his CSA. It seems so straight forward for an outsider: "deal with the baggage or the baggage will keep ruining your life". I know it is not - but still thinks it is necessary - if anything not to cause pain on others - and self. I have never been able to convince my H.
I have tried to be there for him. But he is in TOTAL denial about the negative impact. He has acted out regularly with prostitutes (male and female), hook-ups, spas, massage parlors, internet obsessions, affairs, gone after every person I have tried to be friends with. He has very manic behaviors (grandiose, binge spending (millions), hyper social) and daily ADHD-behavior. He always get out of it with lies and endless money. He has always refused even the topic of therapy and relied on my co-dependency to handle everything. First 7 years he basically made me feel like shit (better me than him), then I found out about all of the above acting out and tried to support him in working through possible sex addiction or closet gayness. I already there regained some of my self-worth. Shortly there after I found out that he was soliciting male minor (15 and up) to sexual favors for "big bucks". I lost it. Told him that he was a fucking pedophile and would never see his kids again. He then broke down and told me about being raped at age 5 by a non-family member. I do believe the CSA as he had made references to this specific incident and person many times (without the rape part). I believe there is much more CSA possibly including his mother, but I have no knowledge. He only agreed to unlicensed therapy by phone about the SA and he scammed his way though before stopping. He did however give up his life and moved with me to my home country. From major city in US to small village. He tried to change on his terms and only by his own will. That hasn't worked out so well. I have spend the last 5 years waiting for him to start dealing with his issues while working on a plan B, if he didn't. He did try to stop his acting out with internet and prostitutes. I have brought the CSA issue up several times. Often in general terms. But he denies that the CSA are the cause. "He is just who he is" and he can handle it.
Well, plan B has arrived. 3 months ago. I did not feel I could leave before. Had hopes for a better future, wanted to be understanding plus we were not legally married and H is very wealthy. I could not risk loosing the kids, having him alone with them and would not have the money to fight him or find the kids if he left the country. Kids are now 9 and 10 years old and H had 6 months affair with wife of the only family we were close with (neighbors in a small village. Kids best friends with their kids, H best friend with husband of the family and I thought the wife was a friend). I could not co-depend anymore, could not keep cover up for him and his escalating behavior, kids have reached an age where they are aware that we are not the "happy" family, H was bringing his acting out as close to home as can be, I simply would not hide my unhappiness anymore and most importantly the kids are now an age where we can talk about appropriate behavior in terms of sex and predatorily behavior as I have spend the last 5 years hyper alert about him starting to abuse the kids (especially the boy). He did do inappropriate things due to lack of boundaries. Taking dildo to public swimming pools when taking with kids. Leaving them alone while he went to sauna area. Licking son in ears even though son protested. Things I hope is limited to that and that kids have not noticed and/or been damaged by.
I feel somewhat safe in leaving them alone with their dad. I do insist kids sleep together and without him. Shower alone. etc. H has the right to visitation also over-night and kids love him and have the right to have him in their live.
I am dealing with the realization that I cannot make him go to therapy. I cannot help him if he wants to be in denial. I have to concentrate on me (even though I am still affected by his behavior as he is part of the kids daily life and drive me crazy with his erratic behavior). Its hard to move on and limit our interactions to a co-parent relationship when he keeps trying to make me do co-dependent things like when we were in a relationship. But again we only split 3-4 months ago.
But something really bothers me and I need help with this:
H has never blamed his abuser, never expressed or acknowledged that the CSA had lasting effects and have several times said that he consented to what happened. HE WAS FIVE. I always vigorously state kids cannot consent. H does support me when I talk to the kids about sexual abuse (in terms appropriate for their age). In our last conversation as a couple, I tried again to make him understand that therapy could sought thru what was effect and what was really him. I gave the ultimatum - therapy or leave - after he again insisted that he was not violated because he had consented to it (abuser promised and gave him construction site wires) and it was a fair trade he had agreed to. Abuser also promised him large private parts - and H is obsessed with size and seek it out.
In our last conversation as a couple, H did bring out one new thing. He irrationally falls in love instantly with people and fantasize about them and try to persue them. Last one was a judge because she gave him leeway in a business matter.
At the end of the same conversation, H. basically replied "its just who I am" and that he didn't want to leave the relationship. I flat out asked him if he really believed that a five year old could consent. He answered YES and I asked him to leave.
I want to believe he would never hurt our kids or the children in my children's lives. I believe H is a wounded soul, and the acting out looks so clear to me. I so feel the pain of the little five year old him and don't see how I can help the boy. My problem is that I have no idea of H's boundaries (he says he is never guilty or ashamed of his acting out even though he lies and hide it), no idea if he will "regress" further and further, if he could "consent" - does he believe other kids can too- like our own kids or neighborhood kids. IS MY KIDS SAFE WITH HIM? WHAT CAN I DO TO ENSURE THAT THEY ARE SAFE?
And another question, why is there so little discussion in the forum on the effects on the family and the kids? Even the survivors don't talk much about the effect of their CSA on their relationship with their kids. It affects the whole family and especially kids growing up with seeing loose boundaries for behavior.
I greatly appreciate any honest-from-the- heart comments. I hope you get what I say. Its hard to summarize so many years of pain, hurt and dysfunction.
Thank you very much