I can still hear him saying those words as if it was yesterday. I was in boarding school for boys who wanted to be priests. His name was Fr. Kent, He was the coach and my mentor in school. He asked me if I wanted to be "special" and I said yes. I did not have a father figure in my early life and was desperate for male companionship and acceptance. So, I said yes and he replied that he did not think I could be special. So, I begged him to make me special. He took me to the infirmary and showed me what I would have to do to be special. I remembeer that there was another priest there and that he was watching and taking pictures of me performing oral sex on Fr. Kent. This abuse went on for my entire stay at Mt. St. Francis Seminary. (In time the abuse became anal.)
My other abuser was my Mom's baby brother, he was ten years older then me. I worshipped the ground he walked on. The part that bothers me is that I loved him very much. He was the big brother, dad, best friend and all that I wanted and needed. I look back and wonder why he did this to me, when he had my love and devotion. I feel great guilt about the abuse, because I enjoyed the attention my uncle gave me. It made me feel special and important.
I remember over hearing someone talking in the family about sexual abuse and I remember my Mom saying that you cannot rape the willing. If the man gets an erection then it is not rape. I grew up believing that it was not abuse, because I was willing in some respects.
I cannot believe that I have told this to a bunch of men I do not know or have met. All my gaurds are going up and I want to erase this for fear of judgement. Then again, you all do not know who I really am and where I live, so I will leave this post in place, even if the little boy in me is saying the will laugh at you and hurt you.
thank you for listening to me ramble.
Edited by ModTeam (09/16/12 07:07 AM)
Edit Reason: Added trigger warning