I still "over-react" to being wrong, making a mistake, offending someone, over-stepping...anything like that. Like speeding in my car accidentally (when I mean to speed....holy buckets), if a cop stops me and gives me a pass/warning, I feel like a horrible, horrible scum-bag.
If I mistakenly forget to bring baked-goods to a town function, I feel like a mega-jerk...WAY off the charts.
When I would get the wrong gift for my child or one of their frnd on their birthday, I'd get so down on myself, I'd wanna just die.
I think its related to not having any sense of self worth, other than what I can provide to people...but I don't know. I DO know it began at 8yo when I used that knife on a perp's hand. Felt unworthy to be among people ever since.
My normal wife could gage the overreaction and tell me to chill. I did not know feeling like total sh*t was not supposed to go-on for a week after not answering a phone-call from my mother by accident.
What is this? I bet its a character flaw indicator. Some "borderline" thing?
I use to make it go away with d&a or self injury. Now I no longer consume D or A ... don't cut anymore either...but I'm stuck beating myself up for the tiniest things. This includes if I remember something stupid I said 20 years ago. I get instantly disgusted with myself.
Am I alone on this?
My fault? How's this my fault? [Dean Vernon Wormer, 1978]