I have been a bit quiet on here for the last week, just trying to take a few steps back and take in what everyone has to say. But this has made me feel very isolated. (thanks for the few MP's but I couldn't bring myself to reply yet) The up side is that MS has proved to be a good substitute for porn. (that is what I do on the computer now - not that it arouses me).
I feel like I am obsessed about my CSA (now that i actually 'get' that I was abused). It seems to fill my thoughts all day. Everything else is being neglected. Even now I am sitting on the computer instead of out being out on the tractor where I should be. I kind of prefer denial to be honest.
So far I have come to understand a few things about what is going on for me. (thanks to the guys on here)
1. My exhibitionism around other men is not because I want them to want to have sex with me. It is because I want them to admire me - to think I am manly, have it all together, am 'perfect' and that there is nothing 'wrong' with me.
2. I have worth as a human being - just because God made me. I have put so much emphasis on how I look (good and bad). I was a cute little blonde haired, blue eyed boy and everyone told me so. It felt like that was why I deserved attention. It feels like that is why I was abused. Teen years were different - my hair went brown, pimples and at 13 I was 6' but only weighed 50kg (110lb). I felt ugly and a freak. Then I grew up and filled out. It is a rollercoaster because I still look at myself and think I'm ugly, too fat, too skinny, not muscly enough (the reality is that I am probably an average looking 35 year old man). But people would tell me I am handsome, give me free stuff at shops etc. One of my coworkers suggested that I only got promoted in my job because I'm one of the beautiful people. Still felt like an ugly person pretending to be good looking to get attention. Anyway rambling here. I am starting to understand that it is what is on the inside that REALLY matters and that isn't pretty....yet. Hope someone here 'gets' this.
3. The compulsion I have to act out with other men is not about me seducing them with my hot body, good looks and massive cock (all wishful thinking) - it is about me recreating the abuse that happened to me as a boy. It is about me feeling like a dirty piece of shit that should to be used and abused and that is all I deserve. I am trying to destroy whatever there is left in me that is good and pure.
4. I can overcome the temptation to act out with God's help. Yesterday I could feel the pressure building but I was able to stop myself from going to a park. It took all of my strength and I was physically drained for the rest of the day. But the lack of regret and shame is so much more powerful.
5. Even though I have tried to keep how truly messed up I feel from my wife. It is still affecting her and she is not feeling the love and affection from me that she should. I bought her a great dane puppy and that is filling the gap for now.
6. I probably can't keep it all together forever. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Working on the dairy farm 7 days a week (I have had 8 days off in 3 years), doing my own graphic design business at night, being a good husband, getting my kids ready for school, making lunches etc, managing poor health (CFS), volunteering for the school, leading my church's music and kids ministries and spending time recovering from CSA. I guess I need some room in my life for me - for self caring so I don't feel the need to self sooth. Can't see how that could happen yet....
As a kid I was always told I was lazy etc. So I guess a part of me has always wanted to prove them wrong. I have never let myself 'deal' with the past up until the last few weeks. It feels so wrong to be spending sooo much time thinking about myself and giving the CSA so much power over me even now. I am assuming that it is a good thing for my recovery to finally 'feel' the impact of my CSA - to feel like a victim. But now it feels like 'OK you have had your little sook about it. Now, man up, move on and get over it and get back to work.'
I guess I want to ask you guys how long you were stuck in the feeling like a victim stage before you moved on to the next step of recovery.? I know everyone will be different and it will probably take more than a few weeks. Just thought it might be helpful to get an idea of how it worked for other guys. And maybe I could cut myself some slack .... or maybe I just need to get on with life. You tell me!! Sorry about the long post.
More than meets the eye!