I do believe in God.
I don't pretend to have all the answers.
In fact, i have a ton of questions.
One of the biggest is why didn't God save me from the abuse - or better yet - prevent it - when i prayed for intervention?
The one thing that has helped me most in keeping a balance between these contradictory beliefs and questions is reading about the sufferings of Jesus. if he was - as i believe, the son of God, then why did God allow him to go through all that he endured and die a torturous death? presumably - God loved Jesus more than he loves me - and yet... no rescue. I can't quite forgive a Father/God like that (stand back for lightning strikes!) - but my faith tells me that he forgicves me. and i can totally identify with a God like Jesus - who understands my pain - and then some!
so i am grudgingly accepting the ambiguity and inconsistencies and unanswered questions for now. because i need to believe in God and especially Jesus. it gives me hope. someday i hope to have answers too.
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"