I do believe in God.
I don't pretend to have all the answers.
In fact, i have a ton of questions.
One of the biggest is why didn't God save me from the abuse - or better yet - prevent it - when i prayed for intervention?
The one thing that has helped me most in keeping a balance between these contradictory beliefs and questions is reading about the sufferings of Jesus. if he was - as i believe, the son of God, then why did God allow him to go through all that he endured and die a torturous death? presumably - God loved Jesus more than he loves me - and yet... no rescue. I can't quite forgive a Father/God like that (stand back for lightning strikes!) - but my faith tells me that he forgicves me. and i can totally identify with a God like Jesus - who understands my pain - and then some!
so i am grudgingly accepting the ambiguity and inconsistencies and unanswered questions for now. because i need to believe in God and especially Jesus. it gives me hope. someday i hope to have answers too.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho