Thank you both for your insight. I greatly appreciate everyone on MS and their continued support.
As for looking for another T im not sure if I can vommit my life and problems out to either gender. Ive never had a panic attack in my life but that day I feel I did and that scared the crap out of me. I know I need to find someone but I cant go there. I feel im to old for this, that my mind cant handle what my lips will tell a T and I will lose "me" in all of it.
I can identify with everthing you both said totaly makes perfect sense!!! Thanks again for such well thought out responses as well as your time...
"Those are not your sins" A wise man