Jay - your last post sounds almost EXACTLY like my experience. with this exception - i have had the fear of any kind of sexual contact with anyone - even my wife. just recently started go get past that - and want to do more - but still very nervous about it. we are taking it slowly.
sorry about the uncomfortable attempt with the therapist. would a female one be more tolerable? don't want to hammer this too much but my T has really helped me - even though it is a man.
your last point - about you being the agressor in your dreams - may even be a positive sign. consider this - in the original abuse you were NOT the one with the power and control. you were the passive one - the victim. maybe in your new dream you are "fighting back" - in the same context as the original abuse - trying to regain control and self-determination. maybe the fact that you describe yourself as the "innitiator" and "agressor" means that you are taking your revenge - in an imaginary way - giving the abuser a dose of his own medicine. it seems to be about sex - but may be more about who has the upper hand. (even our slang conveys this contempt and disrespect when someone says "fuck off" or "screw you" - it is not sex they are describing but violent, vindictive, negation of the other person's value and integrity.) by this angry dream of "acting out" you are reclaiming your life. and keep in mind the element of dreams that is surreal, non-literal and not at all rational. i don't think that this dream means that you want to become a perpetrator - but that you want to take back ownership of your own life by cancelling out what happened to you - by making the perp your victim - in a fantasy. undoing the past by reversing the roles.
that's my take.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho