Ok here it goes,

I have read many post close to what im going to say. I have always had dreams about my abuse and they have always betrayed what I know to be true. I was abused at the age of 12 by my friends 19yr old brother. It was not violent but at the same time unwanted. He was able to get me aroused as well as ensuring I climaxed. This was the first time I had ever climaxed and I would be lying if I said I didnt find pleasure in the orgasm. He groomed me for quite some time but I didnt offer up much resistance this was not the first person to abuse me and I didnt have a family. My mother passed 3 yrs earlier and my father pushed me out of the house.

So now to my dreams, they are increasingly vivid. The more this issue is at the forefront of my mind the more I have them, they become more and more intense. In my dreams I find myself reliving the abuse only now I am a willing eager active participant. These dreams have become so erotic at times that when I wake up I turn to my wife to immediately engage in sex to try and prove to myself that im not getting off on this... things are getting to complicated in my mind.... I wish I could just go back to the time when I was not consumed by all of this....
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"Those are not your sins" A wise man