For any passerby readers, I apologise for the explicit details shared. I actually feel quite guilty about sharing this much about him as he would be mortified, but I have gotten to the point where I'm done with being silenced. I think his addiction is deeply connected to his association with sexual arousal and shame and fear of being caught. Sometimes it seemed he wanted to be caught... I think he can't connect me to his sexual dysfunction because he does love me and sex is about doing shameful, dirty things that hurt the soul but feel really good in the moment. He can't connect love with this hateful act. He wrote a song this year called Beautiful You and the lyrics go something like "beautiful you and painful me, beautiful you and hurtful me. Oh, I wish I could hide inside my Beautiful You". He posted it on SoundCloud and facebook with a couple other songs (like he was trying to bury it in the pile) but I knew as soon as I heard it that it was about us. I texted him and told him I knew this, but he didn't acknowledge or confirm.
Music has always been the only place where he lets his emotions show. It's part of what I fell in love with... This beautiful man with an incredible voice who breathed such honest emotion and sometimes anger into his performances.... It was the 90s and the height of the Grunge scene and he was the singer in a band my brother played drums with. Since then, we have come world away. We are both professionals is well paying, but not particularly fulfilling jobs. We live in a world of responsibilities to our employers, our kids, our bills and our aging parents. It is not always fun, but it is our life and I love it. I encourage his outlets that are healthy. He still sings in a band, now writes and records his own music in a home studio he build, and still plays hockey and goes to the gym regularly. But, underneath this surface of normality, there is a barely perceptible rage and fear. There is a broken child.
He has voiced on occasion that he doesn't feel it's the right time to start recovery because he fully expects he will be consumed by the emotions and unable to function. He fears he would loose his job over it AND he fears his older brother(and primary abuser) will find out and spread damage control lies about him throughout their industry. Unfortunately, all three brothers work in the same industry, and are known to many. The idea that people who currently respect him will see he is the dirty, shameful disgusting person that he thinks he is just paralyzes him. For this, I don't know what to say. I feel like "eff them!" I feel like it doesn't matter if he can't work in the same job and makes a quarter the income. I have never needed material things for my happiness... I just need him. I've told him all of these things, but he will only act when NOT taking action is more humiliating than Taking action.
Wow, phew. Every post I intend to keep it short and end up writing a novel. Guess I have a lot banging around in MY head right now. Thanks for reading and for giving me a safe place to explore this stuff.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky