whome,
well, i'm sorry i haven't mastered technology guys:) i guess i could've done this in one post, but i'm not particularly tech savvy. you know, with all the thank yous and feedback.

i want to convey to each person who has written that they are helping me be a better wife, a better friend, and really, i can't think of a better gift than to help someone else learn to love...which may sound sentimental, but is what's happening for me on this forum.

our situation is that my husband suspects that he might have experienced CSA...but he suspects this mostly because i've put two and two together over the years and so has our marriage counselor...and so did his previous wife...and the other women he'd had long term relationships. he said he's heard it all his life. i'm also a rape survivor. EMDR saved me and an excellent therapist saved me. i began to notice similarities between my husband and i.

he just started EMDR, but is in a place where all at once he thinks:
i want to do this to improve my relationship with my family
i may not find any trauma
i might just be eccentric
nothing i experienced was worse than anything anyone else in my neighborhood experienced
i've gone this long, why do it now?
i'm broken and i don't think i can be fixed
even if there is something there, it's not that bad
other people had it worse

and these thoughts become sentences which i hear whenever we talk about therapy or intimacy. as odd as it is, i'm grateful that there are so many...like just one might seem more logical...that there is "scramble" to keep that band aid on (to use scottyg's analogy)...that at times he can see how many words he throws up...and ultimately, how it hasn't changed our relationships or the compassion of the marriage counselor.

unfortunately, there are no CSA specific counselors in our town...small town...so what can you do? just hope.

but thank you for the insight on duty. i needed to hear that. your definition and context put a whole new spin on it, one that i think probably fits him. and which makes me both feel like an asshole for not figuring out sooner:) and makes me glow because he is wholeheartedly devoted to this concept of duty to me and our kids.

thank you again