Well I’ve known my mom sexual molested me for a long time. From when I was about 10ish for about a year and a half. It was more me doing stuff to her. The shame and embarrassment is and was overwhelming. The strange thing for me is it was exciting and I got pleasure out of it. This sickens me as well as trying to seek it out at times.

I’ve been married a couple times. But I have severe intimacy issues and I always sabotage the relationship either by:

1.Infidelity
2.Emotional shutting down
3.Demonizing the woman I’m with.
4.I’d rather go get anonymous sex than make love to the woman, I’m in a relationship with
5.I act a good game. Fake fake fake
6.Inside I feel less than
7.I lie a lot
8.I lie about stupid stuff
9.I tell people what I think they want to hear.
10.I get motivated after a traumatic event happens only to go back to my old self.
11. I’m great the first part of a relationship but to keep it going I suck. I don’t know how.
Is this part of the issue being abused or am I just f..ked up some other ways.

I want a normal life, I’m confused on how to get there. Even as I write this I feel this pull to not go forward and just justify, lie and deceit about what I did to these women and myself. It’s so hard to be honest. This sucks!

Can someone like me create a normal life? Has anyone comeback from the way I am?