Well Iíve known my mom sexual molested me for a long time. From when I was about 10ish for about a year and a half. It was more me doing stuff to her. The shame and embarrassment is and was overwhelming. The strange thing for me is it was exciting and I got pleasure out of it. This sickens me as well as trying to seek it out at times.
Iíve been married a couple times. But I have severe intimacy issues and I always sabotage the relationship either by:
2.Emotional shutting down
3.Demonizing the woman Iím with.
4.Iíd rather go get anonymous sex than make love to the woman, Iím in a relationship with
5.I act a good game. Fake fake fake
6.Inside I feel less than
7.I lie a lot
8.I lie about stupid stuff
9.I tell people what I think they want to hear.
10.I get motivated after a traumatic event happens only to go back to my old self.
11. Iím great the first part of a relationship but to keep it going I suck. I donít know how.
Is this part of the issue being abused or am I just f..ked up some other ways.
I want a normal life, Iím confused on how to get there. Even as I write this I feel this pull to not go forward and just justify, lie and deceit about what I did to these women and myself. Itís so hard to be honest. This sucks!
Can someone like me create a normal life? Has anyone comeback from the way I am?